Greetings brothers and sisters in the name most high God. Yes, the struggle is real. As I sit here in what seems to be a glass bowl where you have no privacy, nothing is concealed. There is a device in the top of the ceiling that’s always watching every movement, not to mention that every eye that is closed is not sleeping.
I will be the first to say that what I thought to be my best thinking put me into my present situation, in which I find myself fighting for my freedom again. And that’s freedoms with an ‘s’. I fight a few stumbling blocks and obstacles that have been very present in my life and that I’ve been struggling with. Some days are better than others, I must say. I have taken this time to really take my self-inventory and see what must change, because it starts with me and ends with me. I learn that me can be my biggest problem. When I look back and rewind the film back, it’s like a hurricane that comes through and you don’t know the full extent of the damage until the storm is over. So, 10 felonies and 9 misdemeanors and bond in $81,000 plus $4,000 cash. Some may say that’s not much, but it’s a lot if you don’t have it.
I was sitting in a cell in 3-B (DCJ) all alone fighting the withdrawals of mind-altering chemicals and not only to be spiritually bankrupt also. But God stepped in and sent an angel to minister to me. It was my pastor and we had an informal talk about the one lost sheep and forgiveness of one’s self. I left that visit and got on my knees and cried out to God for help from deep inside of myself. And I confessed my sins to God and asked him to show me the way. At that point I believe the change started in my heart, soul, mind and strength. It was like I was seeing myself through a true heart of repentance for a call for change. That night I was moved to 5-C pod. The brothers was having Bible study and prayer daily. It was something to do positive in a negative situation. Little did I know that the process of change was taking place. I was now getting into the solution on how to rebuild from that storm. Encouragement, repentance, faith, obedience, prayer, studying of God’s word, serving others, thankfulness, worship. The test comes daily in some form, but it is up to me to pass it or fail. And if I fail it, I’ll see the test again. I am learning not to lean toward my own understanding. I truly believe that God has placed people in my life along with the Holy Spirit to lend me and guide in truth and deed. At this point I need all the direction to learn how to live life on life’s terms. I want better for myself as a father, grandfather, brother, neighbor, friend.
My hope and sincerest desire is to be the man that God will have me to be.
Sidebar: Once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again!
Still in the struggle,
Coy AKA Plastic
[inmate at Orange County Jail]