I’m tired and some time feel like my life is over and like I’ve lost everything

I’m fine and I’m in good health. It’s just crazy what I’m going through and I’ve done nothing wrong, I’m 18 turning 19 on the 9th (August 9) , the father of a one year old lil girl and she’s all I think about. Now S—, I’ve come from a household where there’s struggle, but we as a family work hard together.

I used to play football in middle school, but I dropped out of school in the eighth grade & got caught up in the streets. I started gang banging and got shot. But through the time wasted, I’ve started a change in life. I stopped banging & decided to do right, I’ve started being a better father to my daughter, I’ve started learning how to tattoo, that’s what I wanted to do. Started staying the house, couldn’t nobody get me out the house, even my probation officer. His name was Melvin Roach. I was doing good, haven’t done no drug for a year going on two years.

Now The Crazy Moment of My Life ever…

One night I was chilling with some friends that was headed down the wrong path. We ended up at a big house one night where two friends was bout to do some wrong & I stopped them and told them I want them do nothing stupid we left. You got me?

The Next day or Two

Them same friends came to my house one night with an extra two people. One stayed at my house as the others left. So me and that one other sat on my porch as we wait to see where they went. As they pulled back up, they jumped out the car and the car kept driving, one with a gunshot wound to the back, the other with a gunshot wound to the arm, & the other friend just now he left. I called and got the one with the wound to the back help.

A few weeks later, I get a call saying my name had been brought up in a murder.

Now I’m charged with first degree murder and innocent. I’ve done nothing at all. My whole family hurt knowing I’m in Durham County Jail fighting for my life & they know I was home and ain’t done nothing.

But the one that come back with the others that I said came back with nothing wrong still out living life, while I’m in his shoes. It’s not right.

The food in here is not healthy. They feed you like a dog, they charge $20 for aspirin or ibuprofen, we locked in a cell for 17 hours a day and get treated like shit.

I’m tired

And some time feel like my life is over

And like I’ve lost everything.

I want and need my innocence proved. I’m going through Hell! 😦

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No, things are not that well

Hey how are you doing? I thank you for you imagination, but no things are not that well. I’m a young 23 year old Muslim. I’ve tried to reach out to my family and they have shunned me. Honestly, I just desperately want a female pen-pal to correspond with. Somebody that’s willing to be a part of my support system that I can get close to. I’m locked up for an “armed robbery” to which I had no weapon, the store clerk just juiced up the story.

I’m very talented and I love writing poetry. I will submit some of my work in this letter. I’ve had a bit of a rough life My side of the family that stays in NC I barely even know. I have a grandmother that’s 90 years of age. My plans consist of trying to obtain my GED and I want to go to community college for landscaping. My other talents consist of drawing and writing music based on my feelings and what I’m going through.

I’m a bright young man. I want to say that what y’all are doing is very positive and helpful to those who have nobody in their corner. What I need in my corner is a lady friend. One who I can get to know and release my thoughts to. My birthday is November 9th. I love cooking, listening to all music, drawing, talking, and working with my hands. I liked what D— wrote in her letter. I wonder how many responses do y’all actually get.

This time, I am using my time wisely and I’m reading a lot more books. Not enough young African Americans know about their ancestral history. They know not where they came from. They are brainwashed and blind to a lot of things. We constantly are fighting our brother instead of building a bond with them. Why do so many of us only care about self?

In what ways do IOA shoot to help us inmates? Are ya’ll actually making any progress? I can use some help with literature on African American history. Any book on that subject, no matter who the author is. I want to expand my mind and horizon. Positive thinking is all I’ve been doing. My main goal is not to fall backwards again. The FEDS are taking custody of my case. Would you still write me? People don’t know how it feels not to have anybody. To see every person around them get love and mail, but never hear their name be called. I’m one of them and I can say it felt damn good to hear my name called even if it was IOA. At least I can say that IOA cares.

What’s going on with me right now? Well, it’s not just me it is multiple of us, and by us, I mean 5 inmates in the jail are on admin seq. We only get to come out our cell one hour and 30 minutes a day. We are not housed here because we have a bad rep. but simply because that’s how we were classified. We’ve actually had some good CO’s such as Nelson and Goldston who gave us extra time and they’ve moved these officers from our unit. To add, they’ve even got in trouble. Now that’s just outrageous. We are some of the best behaved inmates in the jail, not to mention, we even help clean up the unit and empty cells at night. Tell me, does that sound like we’re being treated right? They’re even going as far as sending the extra trays we used to get back to the kitchen. As far as CCS, I feel that they are wrong charging us $20.00 for us needing medical attention. If we fill out a sick call they charge us $20.00. Now come on, how do that sound?  Hope ya’ll have some more positive feedback.

 

-Isaiah Bethea #B72578

‘Dashawn Evans death has touched me in a strong way…’

Whassup how are you? First off my love and and support goes out o Dashawn Evans and his family. Just reading the pamphlet it got my head spinning. I show my woman of my first born child when she came to visitation what we go through. All I can do is pray because God has bless me with my first son and I wanna be there for him and not him suffer without his biological father like I did. Dashawn Evans death has touched me in a strong way and it hurts to know that it could’ve been me or any other brothers. I don’t care if u black, white, chinese or even hispanic. I learn being incarcerated to love thy neighbor  – its too much evil in this world. I wish what I did never happened but when you become a pawn on the devil’s chessboard don’t no good come from it. I don’t like it. I see my brothers wake up faithfully because of the grace of God, but actually no one wants to even get out their pod cuz this place is depressing. Bad enough how we get fed is pitiful. Like, come on, they feed us like we babies at daycare. Like on 6/27/18 my dinner tray had soup, but it looked like somebody scoop some of it back off the tray and I had a piece of cornbread about the size of a newborn’s hand. Many of us had about nothing on the tray. It is sad for the ones that don’t have commissary and their stomachs touching their backs down to the worn down blue mats. It’s sad, painful and people are tired of it. All this money Durham get, but where does it go? For real. It’s bad enough that this jail making money off of us, but worse to know people is dying in here. I thought coming here was to finally sit down and get our minds right, but how can that happen under these dysfunctional conditions? Every charge and incarceration I have received in Durham was under the influence of alcohol and drugs, but why is it that every time I try to get in a treatment programs there is all this unnecessary stuff added along. I’m asking for help but I don’t receive it. I thought I was safe and protected but I am not here. It’s no different than being on the streets and being gun down by police. Once again our lives in the hands of the government and we still suffer. This is crazy, but it’s reality. I just ask God to be with Dashawn and his family and all of us. I do have love for the staff in this jail, but I just think a lot of stuff needs to change. Instead of so quickly locking us back at 12:45 and 6:45 in the afternoon. I wanna be able to go home to my family that God bless me with. Thanks M. for asking my response cuz nobody else ask me how it is except my family. If you can send me some books to read, I write songs based on the stories I read, hear, and tell. – DYNESTE (God Bless Us All).

“I’m not trying to die like he did”

I’ve been doing alright, trying to maintain and keep my spirits up. Because some days I do get down, I’m not gonna lie. A little about myself would be that I’m from Newark, NJ originally. I’m 26 years old. I dropped out-of-school in the 11th grade but in grade school I was a honored student. My first job was at UPS, then it became FedEx as a package handler. I lost my mom 6 days before my birthday, which changed my whole lifestyle on May 2, 2015. So I came to live with my brother in Durham. I got a couple of jobs in the time I’ve been down but I couldn’t keep them due to my lack of responsibility and if my brother wouldn’t of kicked me out with a job. IDK about my man’s death [Dashawn Evans]. I’m not trying to die like he did. It kinda got me shook, you know being in jail anybody could do something to you.

-UB

“before I get lost in the system”

How are you doing? How is that going with trying to get me some help (with medical)? I was listening to the public radio station and I heard that some one is putting together a lawsuit against the jail or the prison because inmates like me that have hepatitis are not getting treatment for it. So I need a lawyer to come see me, because this may be why I am having sweating problems in my legs when I sleep, and my legs and feet are swollen and I am not getting any treatment for this. So let’s get together now before I get lost in the system. … I need to get a lawsuit going against Durham County for not treating my hepatitis C.

-EN

As You Walk Past

“As you walk past”

I’m poor and needy,

These hands dirty and greedy,

My clothes are old and worn,

unto poverty I was born,

 

I fight every day that I take breath,

I’ll keep fighting even until death,

I walk among shadows and I remain unseen,

 

The rich are death and blind it would seem,

Crime becomes a need to survive, or act upon

My thoughts of suicide,

 

People ask why I live

This way, I shake

 

My head not knowing what to say,

Do you know me? and do you even care?

Questions I ask as you walk past like I’m not even there,

Your world and mine are 2 different places,

As you walk past my face is just another among many faces.

 

By: Wallace Eubanks